Being raised in the Lutheran church by a dad/pastor and mom/church leader/wife, I learned very well the rituals of the church. They were part and parcel of my existence. The church felt like an extension of my home.
During Lent we would go to church every Wednesday. We would share a meal with others in the congregation, and in the worship service focus on repentance and self-reflection. I recently explained this to my 9-year old child who wondered what Fat Tuesday was. He agreed that self-reflection is a good thing. I think so too. I believe in community too. But what I seek to get rid of on this Wednesday, and everyday of my life, is the deep feeling of a need to change myself to fit into an impossible narrative.
As Alice Walker says in her award-winning novel, The Color Purple, in the words of the character Celie, “Still, it is like Shug say, You have to git man off your eyeball, before you can see anything a'tall."
As a child I learned to perform like a man was on my eyeball. I did it so well they gave me awards for it. Smile, wear your whiteness and purity like a robe of entitlement, be sweet, use your female energy to play the game with men, move your body in a way that’s approving to men, don’t challenge the actions men take - even if it’s against your own body, sing for them…live in such a way that “your father in heaven” would approve.
What this implies is that there is something inherently wrong that must be fixed. That from day one, my instincts and desires were wrong if they didn’t match those of the white men deemed with authority.
Let me be clear: I make mistakes everyday; I hurt people and the planet. When I do this I take responsibility and say I’m sorry because I believe in the beloved community. But I do not need a man’s redemption. I do not need redemption from anyone.
This is the salvation I seek - liberation from men’s expectations or “the male gaze.” I seek to live in a world in which I do not have to do a mental calculation of my behavior to ensure a man won’t be offended or follow me home at night. I seek a world in which my voice is celebrated rather than parroted by a man who will get a higher position than me simply because he said the same thing in a lower voice and puffed out chest. I seek a world in which I do not need to make myself small or suppress my needs or my desires to make a man feel comfortable. I seek a world in which girls learn to wield their fire in a way that was intended by the Source of All Life when they came into this world, and the boys step back and listen. I seek a world in which men’s confidence is not dependent on the screaming matches they ignite or the wars they send other people to fight in the name of their insatiable ego, the greed of their corporate bro’s, or the suppression of women and children’s autonomy.
So for these 40 days and every season I am blessed to live, I will live in such a way that is not dictated by men or the death-making systems they’ve constructed, not dictated by shame, not dictated by anything but the fire of light inside me, the cries of my ancestors, and the power of justice-seeking people around me.
May it be so for me.
May it be so for you.
May it be so for all of us.